Why “Letting It Go” Doesn’t Work — And What Healing Really Requires

Many clients arrive in therapy carrying the weight of painful experiences and wondering why they cannot simply “let it go.” Friends, family members, or even cultural messages may tell us that moving on is the best solution. But anyone who has tried knows that “letting go” is not easy, and sometimes not even possible in the way we imagine it.

The Cultural Pressure to Let Go

Culturally, we often prize resilience, positivity, and forgiveness. Phrases like “Don’t dwell on it” or “Just let it go” can be well-meaning, but they can also invalidate real pain. For many, these messages create shame: “Why can’t I just move on?” or “What’s wrong with me that I’m still upset?” Instead of healing, the pressure to let go can deepen the sense of being stuck.

Why Psychotherapy Doesn’t Aim at Letting Go

In psychotherapy, and especially in Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), the goal is not to erase or discard painful experiences. We cannot simply delete memories, nor can we undo what has happened to us. The invitation is different: to turn toward the pain, to process it, and to integrate it into the larger story of who we are.

EFT emphasizes that many of our most distressing feelings — shame, guilt, fear, and anger — are maladaptive emotions. They are often rooted in unresolved experiences from childhood or trauma. Rather than pushing these feelings away, EFT helps clients approach them with compassion, give them expression, and ultimately transform them into emotions that are more adaptive, such as self-compassion, empowerment, or grief that brings release.

Integration Instead of Erasure

True healing does not mean forgetting or “letting it go.” It means finding a way to carry our past without being defined by it. This involves integrating the hurt parts of ourselves, validating their pain, and allowing them to become part of a more coherent, compassionate sense of self.

In this way, transformation is the deeper goal: anger that once felt consuming can soften into clarity and assertiveness; shame can shift into self-acceptance; fear can evolve into a greater sense of safety and resilience.

Honouring the Real Work

If you’ve ever felt frustrated by the advice to “just let it go,” you are not alone. Healing is not about dismissing your pain, but about honouring it, processing it, and finding new meaning. Therapy provides the space to do this work safely. The outcome is not simply moving on, but moving forward — with greater integration, self-understanding, and emotional freedom.

References

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2019). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.

Miller, A. (1983). For your own good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.